^ 
























i% 









a 



«>'^'^'^ 



^LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. J 






^^/. M... 

I .=^^^: ls^.2.siC 

I UNITED STATES OP AMERICA. !g3 









s^ 



•^^ ' --^-=« 


^^^^^ 


JSr> _2i 


:x>^ >^i^ 


^^ 




_3E>-^ •' > "" i=ai 


^^^ 


:5» ^ 


"Tg>> >"-'-'i- 


^^^ 


») " 


'--y>;-^\\^ 


3t ' 


"yyy . 




~^S^ 


>>> ^ 




Jf^ 


>2> 


»^ :^ 


->» ^-^ 


mm 






>>> '^jj 


W^ 


>jS>^ 






>1> 


->» >3 


i> 


> '> - 


>» ^ Zj 


!» 






^ 

r 

i 


5^ 


->V>^ 


>»>-» 


» ^ 


>T> 


^>\ 


>.^ 




•• ;:3 




;5»i> 


;>>JI 


^> 


>^ -^!r 


> >>- "^ 


r -^ 


. :):3>r> 


> >» ^ 


>:^ 


v-«^^ 















I5IP 






^ J) ■ ^ :» 



>2 1-> 
> > 



y-:^ 



^3 >>>o> :> 






."»>.^i> 

.:>>^ 









5^ 












o:»:> 















^1 



> .>J ) 



Scrt 



•^ ^ \ ^" 






33> ^ 
> > :> 



3 3 . 

1 



>7> - 



5^3.3 









*?; 



Wmii^ 






II 



:^'i:35 



3 3> 

> 3> 

> ^^ 












THE SNOBLACB BALL. 



t 



\ 



THE SNOBLACE BALL; 



OR 



PILL GARLIC AND HIS FRIENDS. 



BY 



Th.e Spectator.' 



Shoot folly as it flies, 



And catch the manners living as they rise." 



Pope, 



" If any here chance to behold himself, 

Let him not dare to challenge me of wrong ; 
For, if he shame to have his follies known, 
First he should shame to act them." 

Jon8on. 



^ 




NEW YORK : 

CarletoUy Publisher, 413 Broadway. 



M DCOC LXV. 

to 






Entered, according to Act of Congi*ess, in the year 1S64, by 

GEO. W. CARLETOX, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the 
Southern District of New York. 



argument:, 



PART I. 

PILL GARLIC AND HIS FRIENDS. 

Pill Garlic, Esq., a portrait from life. — His manners 
and customs. — His love of art. — Signor Cini. — An artful 
dodger. — Pill atthome. — His desire to Mo ' the continent. 
— Engages his passage and proposes to stand a dinner. — A 
bit of scandal, and how Pill concluded to leave bad 
enough alone. — Pill's friends, regular old Knickerbockers, 
F. F. K.'s — Historical and biographical. — The De Peysters 
and their vast assets. — The gastronomic abilities of Pill's 
friends. 



PART II. 

THE SNOBLACE BALL, 



Mistress Snoblace gives a ball. — Madame Trebos. — In- 
side and out. — The first guests. — The great ubiquitous 
Brown. — Mons. Tonson. — Mistress Snoblace's grand 
toilette. — Concerning the crinoline. — Such a getting down 
stairs! — Fresh arrivals. — Madame Trebos presents them. — 
The guests, who and what they were. — Snobgossip Down- 



vi ARGUMENT. 

ing. — Old Jack. — Madame Boobee. — Dr. Van Quack and 
Lady. — The Gullpeppers. — Greengoggle and Prince John. 
— The Prince is affable, and joketh. — Madame Flummuck 
catches the Prince. — The Prince owns up like a patriot. — 
What he said on the War. — The American Thucydides 
makes his appearance. — Proposes to ride into the ball on 
his famous horse. — The unreasonable Brown objects. — The 
disgust of the American Thucydides, and some facts con- 
cerning him. — A gentleman from Jerusalem. — A sensa- 
tion. — The pretty Christian and the gorgeous Jew. — How 
the guests danced at Snoblace Ball. — A contretemps. — Mis- 
tress Fuddle and Miss Fudge. — The Baroness. — Peace 
restored. — The Punch-room. — Greengoggle. — Garlic. — 
The great De Peysters and " fifteen other shysters." — A 
feast of turkey and a flow of punch. — The drinking bout. 
— A human maelstrom. — The gentleman from Poland. — 
How the drinking match terminated. — Grand finale. 



PART I. 
FILL G^ARLIO. 



THE SNOBLACB BALL. 



T)ILL GARLIC had successful been 

In trade ; though he'd but little seen 
Of what may properly be term'd 
The world, artistical and learn' d. 
Yet he had push'd a " thrifty trade ;" 
And by't a " heap of money " made ; 
Own'd houses, steamboats, stocks and ships. 
And kept dependents " on the hips ;" 
Was a good judge of flannel shirts. 
Of guano, peat, and other dirts ; 
Knew how, and when, to buy or sell 
The " Wall-street fancies," just as well 
As in the market how to buy 
A codfish, or to kill a fly. 
Pill lad been alderman, I know't. 

And of the Tea-room caught the gout ; 
1* 



10 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Was chief director in a bank, 
That burst, blew up, and held a rank 
In bankruptcy not far from zero. 
Which made of Pill a money-hero. 
Pill " ran for Congress," and was able 
To sit a great while at the table ; 
Was patriotic in the main, 
When " money-measures " promised gain ; 
Knew how to " turn an honest penny " 
To good account ; and always, when he 
Was ask'd to indicate a spot, * 
For public uses, had a lot 
Appropriate and no ways dear. 
Whereon the edifice to rear ; 
And in committee oft did sit, 
With reference to erecting it ; 
Until his taste in architecture. 
Became refined beyond conjecture. 
And he could purchase lime or brick 
Quite to perfection ; for a " trick 
In trade," was a peculiar hobby. 
Imposed by Pill on ev'ry body. 
Whether in plush, or fur, or felt. 
Or lots, or stocks, or dirt, he dealt ! 
Was known in WaU street, and his head^ 
Held high, •considering how much lead 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 11 

It takes to load an ass or mule, 

Or e'en to crown a moneyed fool ! 

Talk'd politics "till all was blue," 

And bored bis bearers tbrougb and tbrougb ; 

Kept borses and a gilded carriage, 

Witb daugbters old enougb for marriage ; 

And cut a figure " monstrous big " 

At cburcb, in a tremendous wig ; 

And of tbe vestry was a member, 

By no means very conscience-tender. 

Pill gave a party once a year, 
And graced tbe festive scene witb cbeer 
Brougbt out in baskets fresb from France, 
And oft be ambled in tbe dance, 
And bad some tender tbings to say 
To Madam Knigbt and Countess Day — 
Two Englisb fossils just come o'er 
To look at tbis benigbted sbore, 
And talk about tbe Englisb court ; 
Wbicb suited Pill's and tbeir own forte. 

But Pill aspired to sbine in art, 
And bad a man to paint bis carte, 
Wbo subsequently drew bis face. 
His drawing-rooms in gilt to grace ; 
Wbere now it bangs like Wasbington's 
On creaking signs in country towuSj 



12 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

The wonder of his wife and all 
Invited guests at " Garlic Hall." 

At Pill's, one night, was Signor Cini, 
A small Italian note-a-bene 
In painting, lately from the clime 
Where ancient art and artists shine. 
Pill talk'd with Cini learn'd and long, 
And wept some o'er Italian song ; 
Said much of sculpture, and the way 
That art was treated anciently. 
Of architecture, "like a book," 
Voluminous and long, he spoke ; 
The Parthenon and Theseum 
He rattled like a fife and drum ; 
Had heard of temples on the Nile 
From Buckingham, that, for a mile. 
Or even two or three, in length. 
Stand perfect now in pristine strength ! 
The pyramids he quite dissected. 
And said ere then he had expected 
T' have seen those wond'rous prodigies. 
So huge and old, with his own eyes ! 
Had heard of Sphinxes and their tails 
In Egypt, longer far than whales ; 
And he had heard about Karnac 
From Gliddon, that stupendous quack ; 



N 

THE SNOBLACE BALL. 13 

Who took the world apart at pleasure, 
And lied beyond degree or measure. 
And of the tombs of Egypt's kings, 
Garlic describ'd some wond'rous things ; 
Talk'd much about the ancient Greek, 
"Whose liquid language he would speak ; 
And said of art in Rome a deal, 
'Twould make a hog in Latin squeal ! 
But art, and ancient art alone, 
Was quite the burden of his groan. 
For modern art, or artists, he 
Had neither taste nor sympathy. 
He thought them all the vilest trash 
On which a man could waste his cash. 
Had rather have an antique pot. 
Than all the gems by modems wrought ; 
Esteem'd no pictures but the old, 
For these he'd pay their weight in gold. 

Charm' d Cini listened to his theme, 
While Garlic thus " let off his steam," 
With wond'rous patience ; for he knew. 
Precisely what with Pill to do. 

This Cini was a " knowing blade ;" 
A hawk-eyed Jew, come here to trade 
And barter off some worthless daubs 
He had brought o'er to gull the snobs. 



14 THE SNOBLAOE BALL. 

And, understanding Pill would go, 
Some day art-hunting ''jondi the Po, 
To " make collections " in his line. 
By the old masters, e'er divine. 
He set a trap to gull poor Pill, 
And his gay mansion-house to fill. 
With most decided antique gems, 
By moderns made for flats and clams. 
As we shall doubtless by and by. 
Say more of Cini and his " fry," 
We now will leave him, while we tell 
Some other incidents of Pill. 

Of course. Pill knew no more of pictures 
Or sculpture than of ^sop's strictures ; 
But he had heard of works of art. 
And how to know them gave a start 
To some pretentious men in town. 
Who had, of late, so famous grown, 
That he resolved himself to shine 
Forthwith in the artistic line. 
Pill wanted neither cash nor credit, 
He had them both whene'er he said it ; 
And lived in gorgeous modern style 
Up town, by omnibus a mile 
Or thereabouts, from Union Square ; 
Where his high castle in the air. 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Conspicuous stands to public view, 
In which his little Garlics grew ; 
And where Pill, jaded after trade. 
Retired and laid him on a bed 
Nor made of feathers nor of lead ; — 
A sort of stationary sledge, 
A new invention, and a pledge 
That fell to him from Mr. Cheeks, 
He ferried o'er some money squeaks, 
That he and other shaving snobs 
Concerned with him in risky jobs. 
Contrived from time to time to make 
In Wall-street banks, for their own sake, 
A kind of thing that snobbish Pill 
Had manao-ed oft with tact and skill. 
But in his gilded palace Pill 
Remained no longer than to still 
His appetite, and ease his head 
On Cheeks' new invented bed, 
And taste the charms that were provided 
By Mistress Garlic, who presided 
O'er Garlic's mansion and his table. 
With all the grace that she was able. 
Though that is saying very little 
For one pretending to the title 



16 THE SNOBLACE BALL, 

Of mistress of so fine a house 
As that of Pill, the money-louse. 

When Pill had slept, and dress' d, and ate, 
At home he'd little time to wait. 
But off to Wall-street in a mmute, 
He whirled as hard as he could spin it, 
To shave and delve in stocks or cash, 
Or moonshine schemes, or other trash, 
Which he shoved off in course of trade 
Upon the friends who sought his aid. 

But Pill grew weary of the shop, 
And had an itching mind to hop 
On th' other side the briny waters. 
To show himself, his wife, and daughters, 
In foreign lands, at royal courts. 
Where they would shine, he had no doubts. 
This scheme would also him allow, 
His taste in works of art to show ; 
To gather up the gems that time 
Had left neglected in " his line ;" 
To reach down deep into the den 
Of long-drawn ages, even when 
That beauteous creature, mother Eve, 
Her sinning partner did deceive ; 
And by the ears to seize the Greeks ; 
Thence sliding smoothly down their cheeks, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 17 

Far into Egypt's smould'ring lore, 
His mind with antique art to store. 
He therefore closed affairs at home, 
And fain in foreign lands would roam. 

Pill took his passage in a ship 
That always made a tedious trip ; 
A craft of Dutch descent and build, 
Which was to be close cramm'd or fill'd 
"With French, Norwegians, Dutch and Jews, 
And other strange outlandish crews. 
These were no very pleasant quarters 
iFor a long voyage across the waters ; 
But 'twould be cheaper far to sail 
With rag-tag, ruff-scaff, and bobtail. 
In an old Dutch-constructed raft. 
Than lodged on board some modern craft — 
A Liverpool or New York packet ; 
And so Pill and his daughters took it. 

Pill thought it would be a good ruse 
Before he started on his cruise 
To ask the owners of this ship 
With him and family to sip ; 
Or rather to a formal dinner. 
Expecting by't to be the winner 
Of many favors on the way, 
AVhich he'd no doubt would roundly pay. 



18 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Among suppress'd and expressed doubts 
Tliat had got wind at balls and routs, 
With reference to the better half 
Of peddling Pill the money-calf, 
It was with gravity inferred 
That things mysterious had occurr'd 
Quite often, and convenient when 
She found herself with other men 
At Garlic Hall, with Pill away. 
That would not bear the light of day. 
This slightly tinged the public mind. 
And she was thought not much refined, 
Nor quite the thing in early life 
To shine in fashionable strife ; 
And that her breeding on the sly 
Was more decided low than high. 
Besides, there was a stray tradition 
Among the Dutch of high condition. 
That is to say, with the De Peysters, 
Van Horns, Van Hooks and other shysters, 
Descended from that high-wrought blood. 
Transported here before the flood. 
In hob-nailed sho^ and leather breeches. 
The scum of Holland's dikes and ditches. 
That Mistress Garlic had been cook 
Or chambermaid to Mister Shook, 



THE SJSrOBLACE BALL. ID 

A Dutch-Jew banker, Mther sent 
For clipping coin in Halle or Ghent ; 
A bachelor of mark and note, 
As they on oath if ask'd could show't, 
And one Van Dunderblix they said, 
Who many years ago had fled * 

With inconvenient haste from Sheares, 
To save his worthless neck and ears ; 
A monstrous humbug in his line. 
In the ridiculous sublime, 
That high among the " Upper Ten," 
Had long the rage and fashion been, 
At Garlic Hall, as they believed. 
Was oft and privately received 
By Mistress Garlic when her lord 
Was very busy " at the Board ;" 
And yet, moreover, they asserted 
That she had oft with others flirted, 
And left things loosely to a touch. 
That scandalized the antique Dutch ! 

But were it so, or were it not, 
No one was challenged to be shot ; 
Nor into court by chaffering Pill, 
Was brought to foot a victim's bill. 
Pill knew by sad experience that 
A law-suit is more lean than fat ; 



20 THE SNOBLACE BALL, 

That thougli a man Ms case may get, 

'Tis better far to lose tlie debt, 

Than unto lawyers e'er resort 

To win a suit in any court. 

That they more mischief have begot 

Than fell to pious Job or Lot ; 

Or that o'erwhelm'd old Pharaoh's host 

In Egypt or the Red Sea lost ! 

Pill Garlic knew full well, moreover, 
That being shot at and knock'd over 
By pistol in a useless duel. 
Was something barbarous and cruei. 
He knew the chances he must run 
Who fights with pistol, sword or gun ; 
When whom he fights against him wars 
With the same weapon he employs. 
And peradventure hath more skill. 
His green antagonist to kill. 

Garlic in Wall-street wars had fought. 
And easy vict'ries there had wrought ; 
And frequently had made fine hits. 
And smashed his enemies to bits ; 
Though by the bears was sometimes caught. 
And triumphs very dearly bought ; 
Yet for foul fighting with a gun. 
He'd much less fancy than to run ; • 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 21 

He neither liked the loots nor smell 

Of powder, bullet, sword, or shell ; 

And much deplor'd the barb'rous way, 

Such things are handled now-a-day. 

He thought it better to endure 

The scandal of the passing hour, 

And tame or patiently submit 

To wrong, than injury commit 

Against a scandal-bearing foe, 

For all the harm mere words could do 

To Mistress Garlic or himself. 

Or the o'er- squeamish Dutch from Delft. 

He thought, moreover, it were best 
To laugh the thing off as a jest ; 
Nor seem to care a straw about it. 
Which would incline most folks to doubt it. 
And if they thought it worth their while 
To jeer occasionally and smile 
At his and Mistress Garlic's cost. 
More would be gamed by far than lost, 
By letting people spend their wit 
In any manner they saw fit, 
Or malice, even, should they show't. 
Than drag his shame into a court. 
Or by the means of. gun and powder, 
T' explode the scandal far and louder ; 



22 THE SNOBLAOE BALL. 

And that it would mucli better pay, 
To let bad people have their say, 
And make the most oft than to fight 
In field or forum, wrong or right. 
For should he challenge to the field, 
And be himself obliged to yield, 
As he would likely have to do, 
By being pierced or fired through ; 
It wouldn't mend the matter much 
Through life to hobble on a crutch ; 
But should the wounds received in battle 
Kesult or turn out to be fatal, 
And " knock his timbers high and dry," 
'Twould not turn truth into a lie. 
Nor make one hair more black or white, 
Than it had been before the fight. 
Or, should he kill his adversary, 
He couldn't see that it would carry 
Much weight of argument to prove 
The chaste condition of his love. 
Or that she had or had not been 
Like others, some inclined to sin. 
And verg'd sometimes a jot or tittle. 
From the pure ring of honest metal. 
In sagely summing up the matter. 
He thought 'twould be a great deal better 



THE SNOBLACE BALL, 23 

T avoid, by all means, anns and law, 

And leave to each at will to draw 

Their own conclusions, as to whether 

He'd shown the black or the white feather ; 

A full believer in the faith. 

That time and circumstances hath 

Much more to do in blotting scandals, 

And wearing out the trace of vandals, 

Than powder, bullet, sword, or gun, 

Or anything the law hath done. 

Thus Garlic reasoned, thus he thought. 
And thus he acted as he ought. 
In his opinion, to have done. 
The way things stood or then went on. 
And thus he saved at least his cash. 
And his vain head from war's rude crash ; 
And kept his mind also at ease, 
Unvex'd by heartless lawyers' fees. 
Their quirks and quibbles, and their snares 
To catch weak clients, unawares. 
While Mistress Garlic's balls and routs 
Had modified the public doubts ; 
That th' innuendoes and suspicion. 
Of th' enemies to her position. 
With unrelenting vigor, had, ^ 

Through the gay world of fashion spread. 



24 THE SAWBLACU BALL, 

Thus stood th' affairs of Pill at home, 
When he in foreign lands would roam ; 
And sought to win, before he went. 
Some squeamish snobs of Dutch descent ; 
The owners of three crazy hulks, 
Caird ships, when building on the stocks. 
By generations, long since dead. 
Or, to the dikes of Holland, fled. — 

This ownership gave them an itch ; 
Or, I should say perhaps, a niche. 
In ^ Uppertendom's" upper tier. 
With sev'ral hundred pounds a year : 
A circumstance, that much elated. 
The Dutch Van Cliggenburgs, related. 
As they asserted, to Van Smash, 
Inventor of the chum and dash. 
Which theVan Squeekenburgs brought over, 
In a Dutch ship, from Delft to Dover ; 
And through the great Van Squintenberry, 
Presented, in due form, to Harry : 
Great England's King, as a rare boon. 
Of much importance, from Van Loon. 

Van Shillingbeeker was another 
Of their relations, and his brother, 
Van Kinderhooken a great snob, 
Descended as they said from Job, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 25 

Was of their kindred ; and great Rip 
Van Clamberflunky owned a ship 
With them, which sail'd to Copenhagen , 
Consigned to Herr Von Porkandbacon ; 
A cousin german to Van Clicker, 
Who married, late in life. Miss Snicker, 
Connected by a left-hand marriage. 
To Herr Von Scatterbobs, of Clarrage. 
Van Sclickenpenten of Van Shysters, 
Was cousin of the great De Peysters ; 
In family the ancient rivals. 
Of the brave Rip Van Spikentyvels ; 
Who were reputed very rich. 
And owned, in Holland, a broad ditch, 
Brim full of lively snakes and frogs. 
And leased, for life, to poUiwogs. 

Among De Peysters' vast assets, 
Were many long repuded debts ; 
That Edward Third of England drew. 
From Florence bankers, that were due, 
Five hundred years, at least, ago. 
Which England, still, does justly owe ; 
And, probably, will cancel when 
She pays her home-debt, if she can. 
Th' Italian part of th' English debt. 
With th' int'rest cast and put to it, 

2 



26 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Amounts to something more than what 

Th' English recognize they've got, 

To pay at home, with th' int'rest added 

Wherewith, 't appears, that she is loaded. 

With debts contracted, old and new. 

And beyond peradventure due ; 

Amounting to enough to sink 

Her down to regions, black as ink ! 

But her intentions are so good. 

And finance so well understood 

By England, and by English bankers 

(Who gnaw and eat, Hke worms and cankers), 

That she perhaps may carry, yet. 

The weight of her tremendous debt. 

Some ages longer, should she tax. 

All God's creation, as she likes ! 

With that condition, 'tis not sure 

(Could the De Peysters but procure. 

Of their most precious lives a lease. 

From Holland's water-snakes or geese ; 

And hve on, without doubts or fears. 

For six or seven hundred years). 

But rich and virtuous England may 

Be more inclined than now to pay. 

The int'rest on her Florence debts, 

Comprised in De Peyster's assets. 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 27 

But should siie not, and the De Peysters 
Still cling to life, like clams and oysters, 
Chang' d liow and then to shells or rocks 
By earth's revolvings, quakes and shocks 
(As they are fossilized abeady. 
To some extent, or very seedy, 
'Twould not require a long gyration. 
To consummate their fossilation. 
And turn them into stone or shell ; 
So they might answer just as well. 
For th' underpinning of a shed, 
A pig-stye, stable, jakes or bed 
As any other stone or lead) ; 
And turn up kicking at the last 
Great judgment-trumpet's sound or blast ; 
'Tis probable that England will 
Be then prepared to foot the bill, 
And settle up the full amount. 
That Edward loaned on her account ; 
For England is an honest nation, 
Eschewing all repudiation ; 
And doubtless does intend to pay 
The Florentines, on next doom's day ! 
The great De Peysters, thus related, 
Pill Garlic had most kindly treated ; 
And oft at Garlic Hall had feasted 



28 THE SNOBLACE BALL, 

Tliem and their friends and drank and jested, 
When honest people must have had 
Long hours of slumber in their bed. 

A dinner gratis no old Rip 
Van Snoodle e'er allowed to slip, 
Or pass untasted, were he able 
To sit or stand up at the table. 
No sound of music charms so much 
The famed descendants of the Dutch, 
As that sweet little tinkling swell, 
Resounding from the dinner bell ! 
No matter where or who invites 
The Dutch to cabbage, gin and piper, 
Like their coarse kindred of the pen. 
They're very " sure and ready men ;" 
Provided always ne'ertheless. 
It be at others' cost they mess. 
If so they're prompt, " sharp to a minute," 
K not be sure the devil 's in it ! 



PART II. 
THE BALL 



Pill Garlic and Pill Garlic's wife, 
And Pill's two daughters, for the life. 
Were urging on the preparation. 
For their intended embarcation. 
And soon expected to depart 
For lands of classic lore and art. 
When they were asked to a great ball, 
Prepared for them at Snoblace Hall ; 
A new-fledg'd house destined to shed, 
A flood of light o'er fashion's head. 
As will more luminous and clear. 
In our progressing song appear. 

Sweet Mistress Snoblace late from Paris, 
Wife to Snoblace and a rich heiress. 
Had while abroad snuff'd up the wind. 
Imperial greatness left behind. 
Pleased with the scent and her pretensions. 
She both displayed in one of Gotham's mansions. 
And there she glow'd a living light. 
At all hours of the day and night. 
Voluptuous, beautiful, and bright. 



32 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

New to the scene, she had not been 

Yet noticed by the " upper-ten ;" 

But look'd up hopeful to the skies 

Of fashion ; and resolved to rise, 

E'en to its heaven of heayens afar. 

A comet or a blazing star ; 

And thus she open'd to the view, 

Of wondering guests of ev'ry hue, 

That were invited on commission, 

By her whose fortune is position ; 

Who strives to earn an honest penny, 

By taking fees from all or any 

Great snobs or sniff-snaps who may wish 

Their fortunes socially to push. 

So beauteous Snoblace gave a ball. 
As it is said by " hired call ;" 
But notwithstanding that event, 
The invitations that were sent. 

For so much each, by Madam T , 

Throughout the land and o'er the sea, 
Brought in a host of curious folk, 
T' enjoy the supper, dance and joke ; 
Which were kept up till early hours, 
'Midst flowing wine and blooming flowers, 
That might have tempted a young Bacchus, 
Or certainly a hungry jackass, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 33 

To bask and graze the flow'ry field, 
Wliere music rang and laughter pealed. 

Sweet Madam Trebos, what a blessing, 
To give a ball and get a fleecing. 
From one so lovely, so divine. 
With influences such as thine ! 

The hour had struck that Trebos set 
For Mistress Snoblace's ball, ere yet 
She had begun the grand toilet. 
One gas-light glimmer'd in the hall, 
And two tall candles, they were all, 
That shed their lustre 'midst the gloom, 
Pervading the reception room.. 
The dancing salon, not yet, lit, 
Was somewhat darker than the pit. 
The window-blinds securely closed. 
No light within, without exposed. 
Silent and dark like some old tomb. 
In Egypt or a catacomb. 
The hired mansion of Snoblace 
Frown' d grimly over Dore Place. 

The police walk'd their weary beats, 
In silence through contiguous streets ; 
And Brown, the great ubiquitous Brown, 
So much admired about the town, 
Was at his post with sev'ral more, 



34 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

To guard and gossip at tte door, 

Wlien unexpectedly of course, 

A dingy hack drawn by one horse, 

Drove lazily along and stopt, 

From which two antique spinsters popt. 

Though these old maids of "upper ten," 
For nearly fifty years had seen. 
The fudge and fashion of the town. 
And had at last great bores become. 
Yet Brown most civilly inquired, 
The hour their carriage they desired ? 
" At five, precisely," was replied. 
And off these spinsters nimbly hied. 

" Nine hours !" cried Brown, " 'tis now by mme 
Just thirty minutes before nine, 
Which leaves them eight and thirty-five. 
To swelter in that great bee-hive ! 
Good people these, there is no doubt. 
But what on earth are they about. 
To come so early to a rout ? 
Halloo," cried Brown, one more drove up, 
Two curious gentlemen to drop, 
Who went at once into the house 
Where all. remained still as a mouse, 
For two long weary hours or more, 
Except Brown's gossip at the door. 



THE SNOBLACE BALL, 35 

While these four dubious guests, gone in, 
With frizzled hair and painted skin. 
Were peering round like four old mice. 
And all they saw or soil'd, call'd " nice," 
With scarcely light enough to show 
Them how to look or where to go ; 
Aloft, three stories in the air. 
Sat Mistress Snoblace in a chair 
Before a mirror, whence her face 
Looked out with duplicated grace ; 
Her heels were mounted on a stool. 
And near her stood a barber's pole. 
Or rather we should say : Monsieur 
Tonson, from France, to dress her hair, 
"V^ich fell in ringlets o'er her breast. 
As she reclin'd, not quite undrest, 
But dressing at a furious rate, 
T appear in splendor at her fete ; 
That is to say, to build complete. 
The seventh wonder, her toilette, 
In which as yet but small progress 
Had been effected in undress. 
Her toilet, when brought to completion, 
Must mortify all competition ; 
And set at rest the mooted question. 
Which has disturb' d so much digestion, 



36 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

As to wliat woman of the ton, 

Can stow the most with the least on ! 

She urged with energy Monsieur 
To powder, frizz, or curl her hair ; 
And told her maids to fix in haste 
The gear for winding up her waist, 
To get the screws and cordage ready 
To turn and puU till they were giddy ; 
For she that evening would appear 
If possible as thin as air ; 
At most no larger round the waist 
Than that most frail or fragile beast, 
In entomology call'd wasp, 
Provided she might breathe or gasp ; 
In order to her guests to shew, 
Th' effect of lacing with a screw — 
A new invention by Van Schlobbs 
Of Holland for the use of snobs. 

Tonson, by various passions moved, 
Great in the little art he loved, 
Powder'd and frizz' d, and comb'd and curl'd. 
And bow'd and scrap'd and frisk'd and whirl' d. 
Around the beauteous form and face. 
Of th' all-enchanting, sweet Snoblace ; 
Until fatigued and warm and red, 
With decking that exquisite head, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 37 

He said her hair now seem'd complete, 
And she herself confounded sweet ! 

When Tonson had done up his chore, 
And smirked and bowed him through the door, 
Her maidens hasten' d to erect 
The enormous frame of her toilet, 
Which was indeed beyond conjecture, 
A curious complicated structure. 
Distending at the base, its form 
Was like an Indian wigwam, 
Inclining with a gentle stroke, 
To th' apex for the curling smoke. 
So this thing had an open top. 
To let th' enchanting beauty drop, 
Down gently to the magic waist. 
To which 'twas strong and tightly laced ; 
Descending with a monstrous swell. 
Like that stupendous Moscow-bell, ' 
Which all the powers of Russia yet 
Have failed to raise or overset ! 

This great machine, securely bound. 
With ribs of steel superbly wound. 
By cunning hands and costly woof 
(At once the wonder and the proof 
Of what in modern times hath been 
Th' improvement made in crinoline) ; 



38 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Was wove together like the web, 
Penelope devised to fib, 
Successfully ber many wooers. 
And was as large as " all out-doors 1" 

When the great skeleton was set. 
Of Mistress Snoblace's grand toilet, 
And she'd been laced up to a point, 
That wrencb'd ber frame in ev'ry joint, 
All things were ready for the rest, 
Required to finish her, full drest. 
Now o'er the expanding crinoline, 
Her petticoats were thrown to screen 
Its ribs and hinges, and conceal 
Much else not proper to reveal. 
This done, the maids produced the dress. 
The dress of dress and nothing less 
Than sixty yards of cunning woof. 
To finish off" the sides and roof. 
Of the astounding mass of rubbish. 
She bore off jauntily and snobbish 1 

Snoblace was then of such proportions, 
As to confound all human notions 
Of the dimensions of our species. 
Or any other but the fishes ; 
A whale for instance in its motion, 
Requiring the Pacific ocean, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 39 

To move about witliout disturbing 

Its neigbbors witb its spouts and surging, 

Would give a very just conception, 

Of Snoblace drest up to perfection ! 

Altbougb tbe rooms in her great mansion, 

Botb in tbeir breadtb and tbeir extension, 

Were really very large and ample, 

'Twas dlflBcult without a trample. 

On her distended robes to move. 

For money, manners, or for love. 

When Madam was arrayed entire, 
With all the gems she could desire. 
The next hard question that arose. 
Was how to get the mass of clothes. 
And other gears attach'd to Snoblace, 
. Without much damage down the staircase ; 
This miracle was yet effected. 
With far less risk than was expected ; 
By means of lifting high in th' air, 
Her splendid robes and bulky gear. 

This vessel thus eased down below, 
Without shipwreck or overthrow. 
Her sails were loosen'd and allowed. 
Once more her majesty to shroud. 
And when securely moor'd in dock, 
Her owners 'round began to flock, 



40 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

And reinspect the beauteous craft, 

At which all France had jeered and laagh'd 

Things had become most interesting, 

> 

And far too serious for jesting ; 
For Snoblace now was occupying, 
A place to get at all were dying ; 
Had sprung up like a child begotten, 
Quite out of time and been forgotten 
By accident, and now outshone 
All of the stars if not the moon ! 

The flaming gas and candles lit. 
Warmed all the rooms hot as the pit ; 
While guests came crowding in at 'leven, 
Thick as the shining stars of heaven ; 
Though some less brilliant to the sight 
Than those pure orbs of heavenly light. 

Soon the great house from top to basis 
Was crowded with the forms and faces 
Of those whom Madam Trebos thought 
Most worthy to be sold or bought, 
Or into that strange scene be brought ; 
And she herself with simp'ring face, 
Was there to introduce Snoblace, 
Who was a stranger to the most 
Of that lugubrious snobbish host. 
Whom Trebos for a round commission 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 41 

Had brought by tickets of admission. 
Snoblace before bad never felt 
Sucb ecstasy as 'twas to melt 
Into tbe air of " uppertendom," 
Made up of riff-raff got at random ; 
To be a little more explicit, 
We'll show some samples, videlicet : 

Snobgossip Downing drest decollete 
In pincbbeck fustian old and rusty, 
A would-be great one on a scale, 
'Twould change a catfish to a whale ; 
"With self-importance that would seem 
Only surpass' d by self-esteem ; 
And with them both so much oppress' d, 
That she can scarcely sleep or rest 
At home, abroad, at church or rout. 
Lest by some chance she be found out. 

Now should a match to her be wanting, 
Within the circle we are counting. 
Her brazen daughter, a great swell, 
At fifty-five a painted belle. 
Deserves attention and a place 
For flummery and a red face ; 
Nor can we here in justice pass 
That lump of ignorance and brass, 
Old Jack himself, a would-be wit. 



42 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Without the world suspecting it ; 
Who lounges in the public streets, 
To ogle with the queans he meets ; 
Who bores the members at the clubs, 
Of whom he is the king of snobs ; 
Who dingledangles round the feet 
Of all whom he imagines great. 

From this sweet trio let us pass. 
And dauntless hold the looking-glass. 
That other snobs may see their faces, 
Deformed by their absurd grimaces, 
And learn to see as they are seen 
Themselves, despicable and mean. 
Puff 'd up with pride and self-conceit, 
Wind-bags of fashion, and a cheat. 

The next great snob Trebos presented 
With patch' d-up garments highly scented ; 
Deep ting'd with smoke and yellow dirt. 
Was the remains of an old flirt ; 
One Madam Boobee from the South, 
Menaced by famine and the drought ; 
Who feasts on pride for lack of meat. 
And claims to be of the elite 
In " uppertendom ;" dubious phrase. 
Translated, means : " who never pays." 
Wedded long years ago to Boobee, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL, 43 

A sort of catch-pole in the lobby 
Of theatres, and oyster-shops ; 
Who dines at home on liver-chops, 
Stale fish, hard clams, and uUaged ale, 
Derived from levying " black-mail." 
These worthies fish for invitations 
To balls and parties or ovations ; 
To Princes or to Japanese 
Ambassadors, or foreign fleas. 
And eat their way from honse to house, 
In search of forage, fame, or brouse ; 
Eigg'd out in second-handed clothes, 
Though how obtained nobody knows 
Or cares, except it were to show 
How pig-weeds into fashion grow. 

As these great people pass along, 
And mingle gaily with the throng. 
Two others came nearly as great. 
To be presented there in state 
To Mistress Snoblace, who is proud 
To sufibcation, of the crowd 
Of great folks, and the great attention 
They paid her in her hired mansion. 
One doctor Van Quack and his dearie 
Made fragrant by th' apothecary. 
Their tread was courtly, and her frills 



44 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

m 

In just proportion to his bills, 
Spoke volumes of the power and skill 
He has to plunder and to kill ! 
She, the sweet creature, was a gem. 
That dropp'd unseemly from the stem 
Of an old skeleton, whose fame 
Hangs like a vapor o'er his shame. 
Yet she, dear lady, nevertheless 
Felt much compunction and distress, 
Lest by some most unlucky hit, 
She should converse or even sit 
With those who had not really been 
Dove-tailed into the " TJpperten." 

Sweet pretty creature, pass along. 
And mingle with the snobbish throng, 
Which you can scarcely fail to grace, 
Now met in honor of Snoblace, 
And may you long enjoy the view, 
With all precisely such as you. 
And snuff the fragrance of the pen 
Constructed 'round the " upperten." 

Gullpeper and her dashing daughter. 
And the great swell that thither brought her, 
Who dwell, 'tis said, somewhere in London, 
Trebos presented now to Madam, 
This family of arrant snobs. 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. ib 

That live profusely on the jobs 

Of old GuUpeper, a great thief, 

And swindler in poor soldiers' beef, 

In musty beans and mouldy oats, 

Old horses dying with the bots, 

Old guns and harness, tents and cots, 

And shoddy blankets, shoes and coats, 

In ships and steamboats that for years. 

Have rotting crept along the piers. 

Were flaunting round with the rich plunder. 

Obtained by fraud as black as thunder ; 

One of those noted instances, 

Of people rolling in riches, 

But lately seen by Ball and Black, 

By Tifiany or Mister Shack, 

Or Stewart in his marble store. 

Who never there appeared before ! 

Gullpeper was a vulgar woman, 
Nor Turk, nor Jew, nor Greek, nor Roman ; 
A sort of mongrel kind of genus, 
A thing of froth made up, as Yenus, 
One day was bubbled from the sea. 
By His Great Briny Majesty. 

All things in nature have their limits, 
Except the change and price of bonnets. 
The length and width of hoops and skirts, 



i6 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Worn now-a-days by fools or flirts, 

Or flaunted by tbe gay Gullpepers, 

And many others mucb tbeir betters. 

Space limitless no one can guess, 

And form, or shape, or, even, dress, 

May be enlarg'd to such extent. 

As to defy all measurement ! 

Thus the Gullpepers with their robes, 

Surpassed in size all other snobs, 

As far as Cheops' pyramid, 

Excels Mahomet's coffin-lid, 

Or great Niagara's thund'ring roar. 

The quiet movement of the Loire, 

Or Mississippi's turgid tide 

The gentle ripple of the Clyde, 

In vulgar grandeur and expense. 

These scummy people without sense, 

Left e'en the trinket-spangled Jew, 

Struggling quite vanquish'd in the view ! 

Trebos had lately, for a fee, 
Put them into society ; 
Or introduced them for " the tin," 
Among the snobs of " upper ten ;" 
Or gave them for a round commission. 
What's call'd a " high social position ;" 
Which they seemed fitted to uphold, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 47 

If it were possible, with gold, 
Or sounding brass, or, even, lead ; 
Wherewith they were well furnished. 

Pill Garlic and his wife and daughters, 
So soon to brave the briny waters ; 
And. bless the world beyond the sea, 
"With their divine society. 
Were present with more fonnal flutter 
And fustian than I dare to utter. 
Greengoggle too and great Prince John, 
And the De Peysters were urged on. 
With hundreds more of lesser lights. 
So crush'd and squeezed it gave them fits. 
But yet they floated on the tide. 
Of that great sea of froth and pride, 
Push'd forward through the narrow space 
(Like sausage-meat into the place). 
That still was possible before 
That most astounding pretty lady 
Who there received them with due honors, 
In imitation foreign manners. 
And pour'd upon them such a smile, 
As richly paid them for their toil. 

When this was done most of them were 
As useless as a smok'd cigar ; 
And stroll'd neglected through the quarters 



48 THE SNOBLACE BALL, 

Like smok'd cigar-stumps in the gntters. 
Yet great Prince John and old Greengoggle 
With joking, laughing, and with gabble, 
Amused and entertained so much 
They even satisfied the Dutch ! 

The Prince stroll' d round with Mistress Garlic, 
And Madam Fuddle in a frolic. 
And let off frequently a joke 
That most convulsively awoke 
Between those women and Prince John 
Much loud laughter, mirth, and fun. 
The Prince was in his happiest mood. 
And said a great deal that was good. 
And quite consoling to those queens 
Who had long years since left their teens. 
And now were fifty without doubt. 
Though the Prince couldn't find it out. 
Or rather he pretended that 
He thought them young and not too fat. 
The more their praises the Prince spoke 
The more they laugh' d at his last joke, 
Which pleased themselves and pleased Prince John, 
As through the house they chatted on 
Until they reach'd the gambling room, 
And were assail'd by a perfume 
That gave the Prince a fit of sneezing, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL, 49 

An incident not very pleasing, 

Though it gave him a chance to sit 

The ladies down and run for it, 

For they had jeer'd and jostled John 

Until he wish'd that both were gone, 

Or that he could himself get out 

Of that stupendous huddled rout. 

Prince John, poor devil, was so prest, 

Elbow'd and jostled with the rest; 

So mix'd and mingled with the skirts 

Of spinsters, demireps, and flirts, 

That he no longer was himself. 

And put weeks after on the shelf 

Quite sick at home and at the stomach 

From what he saw of Madam Flummuck, 

Who caught him by the button-hole, 

And held him long by cheek-by-jowl ; 

And gave him lots of good advice. 

While they sat chatting o'er an ice. 

She said to John in pious terms 

That politicians are but worms ; 

That worms change into butterflies. 

And one kind lays its eggs and dies ! 

John knew the fact and oft had show 't 

Both by example and his vote. 

He said, since eighteen forty-eight 

3 



50 THE SNOBLAOE BALL. 

His changes hadn't been so great 
In politics as some suppose ; 
As lie himself or party knows 
That only forty-eight save one, 
Were all the changes he had done, 
As trae 's he hoped to live or breathe, 
Or was a legal heir of Eve ! 
He said he had at last got right. 
And went in bravely for a fight ; 
Fight to the hilt and to the hub. 
By sound of fife or rub-a-dub. 
No matter who gets hurt or hit 

On th' other side, " no, d n the bit." 

He'd give them now a red hot poker. 

Plump through the ribs from fighting Hooker ; 

And then another through the shanks. 

From that sagacious General Banks ; 

'Twould make the treach'rous Rebels feel 

The pith and virtue of cold steel ; 

Knew that McClellan and Burnside 

Would fight if need be till they died ; 

Said Sherman, Grant, and Farragut 

Would by-and-by the traitors put. 

With all their nonsense, into limbo, 

And leave them with their arms a-kimbo, 

He'd give the rascals sword and ball 



THE SNOBLACE BALL, 51 

Till they should supplicating call 
For an armistice and a peace, 
Confessing themselves silly geese 
For trying to found a state on slavery 
By means of treachery, lies, and knavery ; 
And their attempt to break communion 
With such an admirable union, 
Tlie best the sun has shin'd upon. 
Since he'd been known as " honest John !" 

At first he thought the " wayward sister," 
Was such a shrew we had not miss'd her. 
Had we unloosed our rightful grip. 
And let the bestial creature slip. 
But he had changed his mind since then, 
And shaken hands with better men ; 
He now went in to whip or kill 
The desp'rate treacherous animal 
That had corrupted church and state. 
And burnt our ships and stole our plate ; 
Had carried off our guns and flints. 
And put our bravest sons in splints, 
Or sent them down to be no more, 
Tho' blest, he hoped, on Canaan's shore ! 

When John had closed this diatribe, 
About the Southern Secesh tribe ; 
And other meddlers, here and there. 



52 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

m 

With this confounded civil war ; 

" That's right," said Madam Flummuck to John, 

" That's right, Prince John, go on, go on ; 

The boasting, vain, pretentious South, 

Has long been foaming at the mouth ; 

And chafing like a Scotsman's fiddle, 

With a fix'd will to rule or riddle 

This glorious country ! I for one. 

Think it high time to stop their fun ; 

They boast about their F F Vs, 

But they must mind their P P Ps, 

And Qs ; or very soon they'll be. 

Most clearly down to double C ; 

Which means I think in law parlance, 

^ut slender means and a poor chance." 

John bowed assent to the position 
Of Madam Flummuck with th' addition, 
That he had been, in former days, 
A man of peacefal thoughts and ways ; 
Was always easy in accounts. 
Of no great moment, or amounts ; 
And did his best to please the South, 
By letter and by word of mouth. 
He'd gone for all the " compromises," 
Concocted by their Cobbs and Wises. — 
Firm on the " Platforms," he had stood, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 53 

WitlL Cagger, Rliinders, Schell, and Wood ; 

He had made one " Platform" himself, 

Which was laid early on the shelf; 

As it displeased his Southern friends, 

And was of no great use, or ends, 

In any region of the globe. 

He gave it up as a bad job ; 

To please the South he'd been so fierce, 

As e'en to cast his vote for Pierce ! 

A degradation and disgrace. 

Exceeded only by the case. 

Where old Buchanon was employed, 

To rule the state which he destroyed ; 

Or rather did his best to do 't, 

As he on oath if ask'd could show 't. 

As if all this were not enough. 

Of self-abasement and rebuff', 

He fell at Charleston on his knees, 

Capricious Southern men to please ! 

And e'en again at Baltimore, 

He kiss'd the dust upon the floor, 

With mellow heart and dewy eyes. 

And begg'd for one more "compromise ;" 

And, most obsequiously inquired. 

What more it was the South desired ; 

But what availed all that he did. 



54 THE SNOBLACE BALL, 

Or -all he'd suffer' d, wrote, or said, 
In favor of these treach'rous men, 
Who now himself and friends contemn ? 

The Prince thus opened on his part, 
To Madam Flummuck his full heart ; 
And show'd how deeply he was stung, 
By Southern treachery and wrong ; 
And that thereafter he would battle. 
With all the money, might, or mettle, 
That he could muster, for the cause 
Of th' Union's government and laws. 
So ended the long conversation, 
John held with Flummuck of the nation, 
And other matters that related. 
To men and measures which he hated. 
Whereon the Prince with usual grace, 
Bowed with a smile upon his face, 
And sought in an adjoining room, 
WTiereof he'd scented the perfume, 
A brimming bumper from a bowl 
Of punch to ease his troubled soul. 

Among the guests of most renown, 
Without excepting Mister Brown, 
Or self-beknighted refugees, 
Th' American Thucydides 
Was there to pay his court with grace, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL, 66 

And elegance, to the Snoblace. 

He came on horseback like the knight 
Don Quixote, and was very " tight !" 
"When he rein'd up he had a notion 
Of introducing a new fashion. 
By riding through the marble hall, 
With boots and spurs, into the ball ; 
Believing he would draw th' attention, 
Of the great people in the mansion, 
Much more directly if in saddle. 
Well mounted on his horse a-straddle, 
With whip and hat and his great-coat on, 
Than any way that he had thought on : 
To him a matter of import, 
More grave than any other sort 
Of thing or incident that might 
Transpire around him day or night. 
Hence he is seen in public places, 
Angling around for up-turn'd faces ; 
Conspicuous standing in the pit 
Of the opera when others sit ; 
Or peradventure on a chair. 
Performing a commanding stare. 
Through spectacles and a large spy-glass, 
Combined with a gold-mounted eye-glass, 
To see by means secundum artem^ 



66 TEE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Who in the crowd is looking at him. 

His plan Thucydides suggested, 
To Brown, who earnestly protested, 
And gave to it a firm refusal. 
As being something so unusual, 
To go in mounted to a. ball. 
Given like this by " hired call ;" 
Astride a horse would be no jest. 
For any male or female guest. 
" True 't may not," said Thucydides, 
" But what of that ? if I should please 
Myself and make a striking hit. 
Who the devil should care for it ?" 

Brown still persisted, nor would yield 
Thucydides an open field ; 
To spur his horse into a fete 
Of " upper-ten," at any rate. — 
And so the great Thucydides 
Descended from his horse with ease, 
By Brown's assistance, and went in, 
With no slight feeling of chagrin ; 
At being baulk' d in his design. 
On horse-back in the ball to shine ; 
And be regarded as the great. 
Equestrian nabob of the f^te ! 

Thucydides, as it is said, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 5l 

Lacks neither sounding brass, nor lead ; 
And he has also blab and bluster 
Enough to smother Strain or Flester ; 
And is perhaps the greatest bluffer, 
That ever was a candle snuffer ; 
Or ever played the pedagogue, 
Since impudence became in vogue ! 
But of the real pith or mettle. 
Of fighting courage he has little, 
Or none to speak of, as appear'd 
When by a challenge he was scared. 

Thucydides of course writes hist'ry. 
Or romance garnished with myst'ry ; 
And stated in his " Introduction," 
Some things he must have leam'd by suction, 
Or peradventure he had seen. 
When in a nightmare he had been. 

Thucydides had a position. 

At one time in a foreign mission, 

Of some import and influence ; 

And had he been a man of sense, 

And not so blown with wind and gas. 

He might have been allowed to pass : 

He might, perhaps, while in that station, 

Have served the interests of his nation. 

Howe'er, it but confirmed the fact, 
3* 



58 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

So oft by sad experience backM, 
That of a pig's tail or a thistle, 
It is impossible to make a whistle. 

Through the great jam Thucydides, 
Being very thin, made out to squeeze, 
Along the op'ning seams and cracks, 
Of crowding snobs and arrant quacks ; 
Up to the gorgeous, gilded goal. 
With hollow heart and dingy soul ; 
And there received an introduction. 
By Trebos to a new connection. 
Congenial with the vulgar taste 
Of " upper tendom," and its caste. 
When this was done he nimbly passes. 
Like Barnum's What-is-it, in glasses. 
To find some branch on which he might, 
In " upper tendom," roost or light. 
At last, not least, when the great bell 
' Proclaimed the solemn hour or knell. 
Of twelve o'clock, there was a roar, 
And frightful rattle at the door. 
Brown and his aids had their hands full. 
Nor were the lackies lax or dull ; 
AH was excitement now to view, 
The advent of a mighty Jew ; 
A very curious looking body, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL, 59 

As ever shaved in gold or shoddy. 
So thrifty had this German grown, 
Transplanted into Gotham loam, 
That he had purchased, and display'd, 
In spangled fastian and brocade ; 
A wife, and horses, and calash, 
And paid for them, 'tis said, in cash ! 
And, also, with his gold or plate, 
He'd bought a right to serve the state, 
At a good distance from the seat. 
Of Presidential sham and cheat ; 
And now was ready, with his shaves, 
To cut the country into halves ; 
And sell a moiety of 't to Slidell, 
His Secesh friend, and traitor-idol ; 
Or make a dicker with the devil. 
To sell the whole, for secesh evil. 
Provided he shall shave the bill. 
And put " de monish'^ in his till ! 

When the great Sheba, of the South, 
To honor Solomon, went forth ; 
And, Solomon, voluptuous creature. 
In all his glory, went to meet her ; 
There might have been more gems display'd, 
Than this sleek Jew and wife essay'd. 
To flaunt before the wond'ring faces, 



60 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Of those assembled at Snoblace's. 
But, since that time, no one supposes, 
That Jewish eyes, or Roman noses. 
Have witnessed trinkets half so bright. 
By moonshine, gas, or candle light, 
As those that spatter' d them, that night. 

Brown, with accustom' d skill and art. 
Most happily perform'd his part ; 
And eased those marvels of the town. 
From their gilt carriage, safely down ; 
And, then, with gracious, grave attention. 
Conducted them into the mansion. 
They enter' d, with a measur'd tread. 
The ample doors, wide open spread. 
And a self- consequence, so great. 
The floor was bother' d, with their weight, 
As, slowly, through the marble hall. 
They march'd into the Snoblace ball. 

The movements of this " wand'ring Jew" 
The attention of the Dutchmen drew. 
For notwithstanding his queer looks. 
The Waghorns and Van Danderhooks, 
The Rip Van Pimpers and Van Slobbers, 
Descended from some thieves, and robbers, 
That long disturb' d the Rhenish water, 
With their atrocious crimes and slaughter 



THE SNOBLACE BALL, 61 

(Most ancient families from the Hague, 

Who squatted here, before the plague ; 

In company with the De Peysters, 

And sold immensely, clams and oysters) ; 

Declared him handsome, and his State, 

That of a money-potentate ; 

Which they could scarcely praise too much, 

It was so pleasing to the Dutch ! 

When they approach' d the outer skirts. 
Of the assembled snobs and flirts, 
This Christian and the gorgeous Jew, 
Loom'd up, most luminous, to view ! 
All gaping mouths, or ears, or eyes, 
Were fix'd upon the prodigies. 
With anxious wonder and surprise ! 
They shined and glitter'd like the moon, 
Reflected in a pewter spoon. 

As stones, or sticks, or dirt, or straws. 
Obedient to nature's laws. 
When upward thrown by wind or faction. 
Move towards the centre of attraction ; 
So these great people, just arrived. 
By hook or crook or look, contriv'd ; 
To penetrate the snobbish jam. 
And pay their devoirs to Madam. 
And there, in form, they were presented, 



62 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

By Trebos, to the new anointed ; 
And were received by the Snoblace, 
With her accustomed Paris grace. 

Things now had reach'd a culmination, 
That straight required some ventilation. 
The fiddle-strings began to squeak, 
And music, with its charms, to speak, 
In volumes of the coming strife, 
In dancing, for the very life ; 
"Which, now, commenced in such a way. 
As ne'er was match' d, on any day. 
In any country, age, or clime, 
In ancient or in modern time. 

Great things were done at the Snoblaces', 
When all the guests, with all their graces, 
And many foreign snobs of note. 
Were, in the mazy dance, afloat ; 
And ev'ry heart, with impulse, beat 
Time to the motion of their feet ; 
While music's sweet, voluptuous swell, 
Brimm'd up th' enchantment of the spell. 

Perhaps, in modem times, the dance. 
Ne'er did one half so much t' enhance, 
Th' enjoyment of a festive scene^ 
Nor has one half so useful been. 
In showing off queer forms and faces. 



THE S'NOBLACE BALL. 63 

As, on that night, at the Snoblaces'. 

Of al] the dancing, balls, or hops, 
In barnyards, saloons, or on ropes ; 
In bar-rooms, palaces, or ships, 
By men, or boys, or demi-reps ; 
Since David danced, or Miriam play'd ; 
The dancing on that night, display' d 
By Mistress Snoblace and the rest, 
Of her gay party, was the best ; 
So far as bottom, pith, or muscle, 
•Had aught to do with that hard tussle. 

Old Mistress Fuddle, and Miss Fudge, 
Who each the other ow'd a grudge. 
While in the card-room playing whist 
With Rip Van Schillenblunderfist 
(A great Dutch Baron, late from Hague, 
Heir to a wind-mill, and a peg 
To hang his hat on, at the club. 
Where he was a great swell and snob) ; 
And Mister Ebenezer Schlawfette 
(Who, in the torrid zone of Tophet, 
Own'd mines of brimstone, zinc, and lead. 
On which his ancestors squatted) ; 
Were bent on mischief, noise and trouble, 
In that stupendous heated huddle ! 
And, after some unseemly passes, 



64 THE SNOBLA CE BALL, 

In wMcli they call'd each other asses, 
And names, the muse 'declines t' indite. 
They clinch' d and had a stand-up fight ! 

•The Baron rose ; and Ebenezer 
Caught Miss Fudge, in his arms, to squeeze her ; 
Or, rather, shield her, from the blows, 
That Fuddle aim'd her, on the nose. 
The eyes and ears, or head and face ; 
Much to the scandal of the place ! 
As some brave soldier shields his Lord 
In battle, and receives a sword 
In his own breast, and yields his life, 
To save his sovereign's in the strife ; 
So Ebenezer, kindly covered. 
Miss Fudge ; and, skilfully, endeavor' d, 
Himself, to take the blows, intended. 
For Fudge, by Fuddle, thus ofi'ended. 
The Baron was, of course, astonish' d ; 
And, by appearances, admonish'd. 
Not to lay hands on Mistress Fuddle, 
Just at that time, for fear of trouble ; 
For, she was " made up," out of trash, 
That might, on th' instant, go to smash ! 
He saw the danger, and aloof 
Kept himself from her, bullet proof. 

This rather touching incident, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. Q^ 

Or episodical event ; 

Among tlie players, liad th' effect, 

That any body might expect ; 

Where all was gaiety and mirth ; 

Before the incident had birth. 

The card-room, in a moment, was, 

In great confusion, and a buzz ; 

Which broke up all the games at cards ; 

That were in progress, with- the " hards," 

Or, the fast demireps and men, 

There, gambling, from the " upper ten." 

Who rak'd their money, from the table, 

As rapidly, as they could scrabble ; 

And squar'd away, to see what next, 

Would spring from matters, so perplex'd, 

So serious, confus'd and mix'd ! 

The punch-room was deserted, too, 

By the De Peysters, and Dutch crew ; 

Who, with Greengoggle, and Prince John, 

Were quaffing deeply, punch and fan. 

With quarts of other, " heavy wet," 

Congenial with that drouthy set. 

With faces glowing, like a Bacchus, 

They hurried in to see the fracas ; 

And peered around, o'er ladies' shoulders, 

And other much amazed beholders, 



66 TEE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Of that strange scene of noise and trouble, 
Kick'd up, by tbe floodwood and stubble, 
That Trebos had drawii in to grace 
The opening ball of the Snoblace ! 

This now attracted Mistress Snoblace, 
And Madam Crowfoot, and Her Grace, 
The Baroness Van Guilderslatten, 
A noble lady, late from Stetten. 

The^ Baroness,. a friend of Fuddle, 
Amazed, to see her in such muddle. 
Approach' d her, with a kindly heart. 
Embraced her hand, and took her part. 
And, sought with haste, the outer door, 
Where, they were, after, seen no more. 
"While Ebenezer and Miss Fudge, 
Soon thought it best themselves, to budge, 
And thus, all things became more quiet. 
And threatening less an open riot. 

When they were gone, to cards and dancing 
All heads and hands and heels went prancing ; 
Which they kept up till a late hour, 
With all the energy and power. 
That " upper tendom" could bring out, 
In honor of the Snoblace rout. 

At two, precisely, down they went, 
Pell-mell, as if by Satan sent 



THE SNOBLACE BALL, 67 

Into the fuming supper room, 
Which soon was crowded like a tomb 
In Egypt with the ancient dead ; 
Where, deep and long they drank, and fed. 
When the fierce game of knife and fork, 
And anxious struggle with the cork. 
Were brought to a propitious close. 
Among the dancing belles and beaux. 
They hied them to the dancing hall. 
Again, to carry on the ball. 

The gamesters to theii* cards returned, 
While some hard topers, we have leam'd, 
To drink, more than to dance, inclined. 
Were left, deep in their cups, behind. 

Garlic, great gourmand, got a table. 
Near the De Peysters, and was able. 
To do much damage to the meats. 
Champagne and oysters, wines and sweets. 
That, like great cocks of meadow hay. 
Or swelling winrows, loosely lay. 
Midst odoriferous perfumes. 
Sent from the kitchen, through the rooms, 
Adorn'd with bouquets, tall as trees, 
In Holland, wilting in the breeze. 
Or, cook'd by jets of gas, ignited, 
That heat the gilded rooms, it lighted. 



68 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Pill Garlic and the great De Peysters, 
'And fifteen other first rate shysters, 
Dress'd elegantly, from the Tombs, 
Smother'd with musk, and such perftmies, 
As they, themselves, profuse emitted. 
Were, on a wager, fiercely pitted, 
Against ten feeders, just from Holland, 
And a stupendous bore from Poland, 
To see which side should " rule the roast," 
By eating and by drinking most ! 

Garlic, sly fellow, had the cue, 
Full well he'd learn' d, and well he knew, 
The devious windings, ins and outs. 
Of eating, or of drinking bouts. 
He thought, that, vdth the great De Peysters, 
And fifteen of their friends the shysters, 
His close adherents and support. 
The devil in 't, if they came short ! 

O ! vain, deceptive flight of fancy ; 
That seiz'd the brain of this " Miss Nancy," 
And brought him to a rash conclusion : 
The gate, that conducts to confusion ; 
And, sometimes, to the depths of woe. 
Or dismal regions down below ! 

Although Pill understood the Dutch, 
And knew about, or quite, how much 



THE SNOBLAOE BALL. (>n 

It takes of wliiskey, rum or gin, 
To fill up their capacious skin ; 
He missed the mark, about the Pole, 
And sadly faiPd to win the goal ; 
He and his friends howe'er with spirits. 
Enter' d the lists with zeal that merits 
Much better fortune than attended 
Those worthies when the race was ended. 
They drank and ate and ate and drank, 
Till they had emptied near a tank. 
Of strong concocted German beer. 
And floods of other " heavy cheer," 
Ere the Dutch feeders from the Skeldt, 
Began to waver, wilt or melt. 
And the great gourmand from the north. 
Now loading his voracious mouth. 
And brandishing his knife and bottle, 
Without the slightest wave or tottle, 
Was just as fresh, or more so than. 
He was when the contest began ! 

When Pill discovered that the Dutch 
Had drank, already, quite too much. 
And now began to reel and totter. 
He push'd the adversary hotter. 
Without inspecting his own troop. 
That sadly now began to droop ; 



70 THE SNOBLACE BALL. 

Nor was it long before their gabble, 
Became extinct beneath the table. 
Where soon, alas ! the great De Peysters, 
"With their good friends the fifteen shysters, 
Lay sleeping, with the ten Dutchmen, 
But lately from a Holland fen ! 

When Garlic saw his friends were failing 
He scarce could keep, aloud, from wailing, 
To think what fortune must attend. 
His contest with the Polish fiend. 
Who stood beyond all peradventure. 
As firm as Nebo on its centre. 
Without a jostle in his gait, 
Or quiver in his gab or gape ; 
While peddling Pill himself already 
Had got the hiccups, and was giddy. 
Garlic saw clearly his mistake. 
And now with fear began to quake ; 
For though he'd floor'd the adverse Dutch. 
He had not yet begun to touch, 
The uninvaded power and pith. 
Of the great eater of the nith ; 
Who stood Uke solid brass or steel, 
Firm as a rock, without a reel, 
. Or wriggle, or the least vibration, 
Prepar'd to drink up all creation, 



THE SNOBLACE BALL. 71 

Provided it were only whiskey, 
Brandy, or gin, without being frisky ! 

Although Pill saw the game was lost. 
That he had reckoned 'thout his host ; 
And that the room seem'd turning round, 
The ceiling falling to the ground ; 
And all the guests about the table 
Appeared to reel and be unstable. 
Somewhat inclin'd to laugh and snicker, 
And the gas-lights to flare and flicker ; ^ 

And all things rocking to and fro, 
While he could scarcely stand or go. 
Indeed was more than " half seas over," 
Yet he would push the contest further ! 

Like some hard panting, jaded beast, 
By hounds, and horns, and hunters chas'd 
On distant plains or mountains cast. 
Still fighting best though fighting last ; 
So Pill, though prest against the wall, 
Seem'd more inclin'd to drink than fall ; 
And straightly challeng'd th' adversary, 
In three more bottles of old sherry. 
With two more flasks of Holland gin. 
Which clos'd the business up for him. 
And laid him soundly down to sleep. 
Without a gurgle or a peep ! ^ 



72 THE SXOBLACE BALL. 

But the old toper from the north, 
Seemed still afflicted with the drouth ; 
And stood upright with knife and fork, 
Attacking viands and the cork, 
As fresh and frisky as at first, 
Though parched and panting still with thirst 1 

As the great Maelstrom of the deep, 
Destructive in its w^hirl and sweep, 
Pulls into its relentless lips, 
Affrighted sailors and their ships. 
And sends them howling to their graves. 
Beneath the fierce conflicting waves ; 
So this great Eater of the north. 
Drew into his voracious mouth 
Vast floods of brandy, gin, and ale. 
And punch and champagne by the pail ; 
Oysters and turkeys, geese and game. 
Gave up the ghost and shared the same. 
Nothing was sacred, nothing safe. 
All vanish' d 'fore him like a waif: 
Thoughtless of those that him surround, 
Or those loud snoring on the ground. 
Unmoved he stood and half in sport. 
Said, " Jeems, just pass along the port !" 
Until at last he was turn'd out 
By the Police who closed the rout ! 



TWO ADMIRABLE BOOKS. 

JVST PUBLISHED. 

I.— The Habits of Good Society. 

A Handbook of Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen. With Thoughts, Hints, 
and Anecdotes concerning Social Observances ; Nice Points of Taste and Good 
Manners; and the Art of making oneself Agreeable. The whole interspersed 
with humorous illustrations of Social Predicaments ; Remarks on Fashion, &c., 
&c. One large 12mo. Elegant Cloth Binding. Price $1.75. 

Extract from Table of Conteuts. 



Unmarried Gentlemen. 

Public Etiquette. 

Calling Etiquette. 

Cards. 

Visiting Etiquette. 

Dinners. 

Dinner Parties. 

Little Dinners. 

Ladies at Dinner. 

Habits at Dinner. 

Carving, &c. 

Balls. 

Dancing. 

Manners at Supper. 

Morning Parties. 



Gentlemen's Preface. 

Ladies' Preface. 

Thoughts on Society. 

Good Society. 

Bad Society. 

The Dressing Room. 

The Ladies' Toilet. 

Dress. 

Fashions. 

Ladies' Dress. 

Accomplishm ents. 

Feminine Accomplish- 
ments. 

Manners and Habits. 

Married Ladies. 

Unmarried Ladies. 
Together with a thousand other matters of such general interest and attraction, 

that no person of any good taste whatever can be otherwise than delighted with 

the volume. 

It is made up of no dry stupid rules that every one knows, but is sensible, good- 
humored, entertaining, and readable. The best and wittiest book on " Manners" 

ever printed, and which no one should be without. Price $1.75. 



Pic-Nics. 

Evening Parties. 

Private Theatricals. 

Receptions, &c. 

Marriage. 

Engagements. 

The Ceremony. 

Invitations. 

Dresses. 

Bridesmaids. 

Presents. 

Travelling Etiquette. 

Public Promenade. 

Country Visits. 

City Visits. 



^. 



n. The Art of Conversation, 

With Directions for Self-Oulture. An admirably conceived and entertaining 
book — sensible, instructive, and full of suggestions valuable to every one who 
desires to be either a good talker or listener, or who wishes to appear to advantage 
in good society. A handsome 12mo. cloth bound. Price $1.50. 
Among the contents will be found chapters upon— 



Attention in Conversa- 
tion. 
Satire,— Puns. 
Sarcasm. 
Teasing. 
Censure. 
Fault-Finding. 
Compliments. 
Egotism. 
Politeness. 



Stories, Anecdotes. 

Questioning. 

Liberties. 

Impudence. 

Staring. 

Argument. 

Disagreeable Subjects. 

Selfishness. 

Sacrifices. 

Dinner Conversation. 



Silent People. 
Timidity.— Its Cure. 
Modesty. 

Correct Languaqb. 
Self-Instruction. 
Miscellaneous Know- 
ledge. 
Languages. 
Vulgarisms. 



Every young and even old person should get this book ; read It, and study it 
over and over again ; and follow those hints in it which lead them to break up bad 
habits and cultivate good ones. It is the most perfect and excellent work of the 
sort ever published. Price $1.50. 

*#* Both of these hooks are sold everywhere^ and will "be sent "by mail^ fees, 
on receipt of price, by 

OARIiETON, Publisher, 413 Broadway, New York. 
























^ec 



2f '«■•• <! 



5 «r oc« 












^ ^ ex 









< 


c 


(;<:■ ' 


<c 


<L 


<^c 


c 


C 


• cv 


'C- 


c 


'^^c c 


< 


C^ 


KC x 


\c 


d 


KC r 


e 


<i<cc c 


X. 


<i 


c« (C 


< 


c 


X cm 

c c cc 

XCCl 
cccccr 

'-<CCC 

ccc 

ccc 










« c CC( 




^cce 


.cC ^- '^ 




"fXC 


<(-<f 




cc 


ct-CC * 


r 


• f.f? 


.CC-.< 




«:^ 


c€:^ 




<^~' 


C^C-> 




( i 


<0^ 




'<■ 




'A'< 


COT 




(<i 


^ 







■ c:<i cc 

— . f c 



C C c- ^ 












. «:cc c ccor 
( ^ac< e ecc 






ex ( 






Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 
Neutralizing agent; Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: Sept. 2009 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 

1 1 1 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Tov/nship. PA 1 6066 
(724)779-2111 



CC^CC C 



€c^ m:c c 






f : 



CI 









<CK ^afcv 






•^ 

^ 
^ 



cccc 4r4 
cccrc ^-^ 
CC cc 4C^ 

cc cc 

c<: cc «e: •^ 

CC.CC_4^^^^ 

^tcc^^^ 
ecc «:^ 



^ ct: 






: cigi: c <•*— 
: a:^;^c 

1 < ' ■«.i^<i ■ 



^cccc:. 



c^ 

Vc 



c;- '^^ <c 



